I am sitting in my chair, surfing through every email account, social networking account and all the local news sources. I am not actually interested in any of these things. I am avoiding.
What horrible event am I avoiding (you may be dying to know)?
Swimming. I kinda told the kids that I might let them stay in the pool after today's swim lessons. It's family swim, so GERD-Girl and I will don swimwear and join them in the pool. I really really really really don't want to.
How lame is that?
I can't think of an excuse to skip it... and I've been desperately sorting through the emergency files of my brain to come up with some other plan - no matter how extravagant.
The worst part is that I don't really know why I'm feeling this way. So I'm doing everything I can to suck it up and not give in to what seems to be some anxiety/depression combination. I don't want my kids growing up with a billion memories of the things mommy *almost* did with them. I don't want to be a person who doesn't follow through.
It disgusts me that I'm freaking out so much about going swimming.
Why is it so hard to just turn of the computer and go make my kids happy?
Big hugs coming atca!
ReplyDeleteI love reading your posts because I identify with them so much. I think our brains are wired very very similarly. Deny it all you want, I understand :).
ReplyDeleteI do the same thing, then get down on myself for it, and then later realized I was DEAD ON, just not listening to the truth. Love your intuition! I need to tell myself the same thing. And also, take care of yourself. Dontcha wish you could go back to our "do everything" mom and give her a pat on the back? Chances are you are doing so much more and better than you are giving yourself credit for. You are probably forgetting or blocking stuff out--just guessing cause that's what I do, somehow forget the 50 things I already did for the kids that day but hating myself cause we've been at home and not done the children's museum or something. So, I'm ranting...oh well.