Fighting Nature

I think one of the most fascinating aspects of pregnancy is how primal it is and how it forces you to relate to yourself - and life - with some of that veneer of social pretense and acceptability stripped away. For example, I'm one of the many people for whom the Protestant work ethic is indelibly ingrained. Working hard isn't just a means to an end. Industriousness is the point. It's not often aimed at getting what I want, but more a manifestation of who I am - of my worthiness as a person.

Yeah, I know that's not an entirely healthy way of relating to the world around me, but there are other aspects of my self and life that I like less than that, so it's never been my top priority to get over the what-I-do-is-who-I-am thing.

Anyway, I've turned that bend in the pregnancy where I no longer have the motivation to be doing a million things at once. A month ago I was frustrated with my weaknesses, angry that my body couldn't keep up with all the "stuff" that so urgently needed addressed. As of this week... well... if I manage to make a healthy (important food groups addressed, more or less) lunch for my toddler, I'm pleased with myself. If we all have clean underwear and it's in the requisite storage devices, I pretty much rock. If I manage to make dinner on top of all that... well heck, I figure there's a mother-of-the-year trophy out there somewhere with my name on it. But I don't think about any of that stuff all that much.

Because I'd rather be sleeping.

As with the first trimester, the last few weeks of a pregnancy bring a bone-deep tiredness that is difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't been pregnant. The closest thing I can compare it to is that feeling you get before surgery... when you're in pre-op they shoot some drugs into your IV. No general anesthesia, yet... just the opiate cocktail that washes over you and makes the idea of caring about staying awake or thinking about anything the funniest concept ever to crawl across your brain. Sleep is good and makes you insanely happy and satisfied. Trying to stay awake is stupidly, ridiculously painful. Forget it.

So - those of you who haven't experienced this - keep that in mind if I'm doing my best to engage in conversation with you. It's nothing personal. You aren't boring me. It's just that fighting nature only gets a person so far... so unless you're a child already dependent on my caregiving, your needs have probably gone to the end of the queue. Sorry. Catch me after a nap and I'll try not to be so rude and self-involved.

Better yet, just laugh at me - it's not like I'm going to expend the energy to get offended and I'll try to make it up to you in a few months. Right now I'm enjoying being huge and tired and lazy and going with the flow (or lack thereof) of inertia.